Baby On Board

It happens every time. Never fails. The reluctant face of the passenger who gets stuck next to the baby. It starts with the hope that their boarding pass will put them just a few seats out of ear range of the squealing cry that is bound to happen as soon as half of the plane slips off to sleep. Then comes the deep sigh of reality that they are, in fact, next to the baby. Then of course the double check, first at the boarding pass... then at the seat. Sure enough. That is your seat. Next to that little bundle of joy 30,000 feet in the air. 

Now most the time you will have nothing to worry about, babies are well behaved the majority of the time. I think it has something to do with the hum of the engines that put them fast to sleep. But every now and then you will get the baby that refuses to stop crying the ENTIRE flight. People. Please bear with these parents. I promise you... they are WELL aware that their child is not happy. Yes, it is annoying. Yes, it's loud. Yes, you would rather sleep. But c'mon... There is only so much the parents can do to make that child happy at that point in time. You are trapped in a giant tube for hours with very little places to go. Children have a very short attention span and a movie and looking out the window can only last so long.

Traveling with kids is a HUGE pain. Travelers with small children are allowed to board first. This is because of course they take forever. Not only do the parents have their carry-on plus one personal item like any other passenger, but they also have a diaper bag, a bag of toys, a bag of food, a car seat, a bag of baby clothes and a stroller plus God knows what else. How they make it through security I have no idea. They can't just throw their stuff in an overhead bin and be good to go. They have to collapse the stroller in the jetway, gather their 25 bags of goodies and child in hand and somehow manage to squeeze down the narrow aisle. Once they arrive at the seat it is a juggling game of baggage and babies. What goes first? The bag or the baby? 

I always offer to help. It usually goes something like this...

Me: "Hello there! Is there anything I can help you with?"

Parent: "YES! Thank you so much!"

shoves child into my arms

Of course I meant with their baggage, but there I am.. baby in hands. I don't know what it is about parents that think I am made to hold their baby. This hardly happens to any other flight attendant. Just something about me. I am a magnet to passengers with babies. It's actually become a joke among my flight attendant friends. They always hand me their baby. Luckily I love babies or this would not be okay.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when parents are not prepared to travel with their children. Parents should always bring some type of entertainment. Not every airplane is equipped with an entertainment system. Parents should always bring a snack for their kids. Now of course we do have the snacks on board and every now and then catering will bless us with milk, but kids are picky and they may not be happy with the peanuts, pretzels, or cookies. And I may not have enough to supply your child with an unlimited supply of pretzels. Unless of course you are Sarah Jessica Parker coming into my galley asking me for milk and to warm your baby bottles... then of course I will hand over every bottle of milk I have in my possession.

The most irritating thing that has happened to me with a parent traveling with a small child happened within the first month of my new job. A tired mom came to the back of the plane in flight to use the bathroom and asked if I would hold her baby. I didn't exactly know the whole baby holding policy for my airline but I agreed, mainly because she looked absolutely exhasued and she plopped the baby in my arms not even thinking twice. This about the the time the baby looked at me scared to death and let out an glass shattering squeal of a cry while the mom locked herself in the tiny bathroom. Probably to hide and cry herself. I began to walk around in the galley bouncing the baby up and down trying to get him to stop crying. Eventually he did. Not because he suddenly became happy. No, it was because he was using the bathroom. I could feel his diaper filling up as I was holding him. I started to gag and my reacting was just to hold the baby straight out and look at it like it was some sort of alien creature. The baby began to cry again. Wonderful. Crying baby? Or warm diaper on my arm? Hmm. This is about the time I realized where the mother had been sitting. A few aisles away next to her husband aka the baby daddy! I was furious. Why had I suddenly became baby sitter of this pooping screaming crying hellacious child while the dad sat there ignoring my grief and enjoy whatever rerun episode of Glee we were playing that day. Irritated was an understatement.

The most entertaining child I had on board was a little girl named Remington. Cutest. Thing. Ever. Once Remington sat down in her seat she persisted in introducing herself to me and telling me her life story. 

"Hi my  name is Remington. This is my grandmother. We're on our way home. I just got done visiting Uncle Jack. He lives in Washington D.C. I live in Montana. What is your name?"

I couldn't help to smile. She was adorable. I don't know if it was because she was one of the most adorable children I have seen, or it was her cute innocent voice that was so precious. I used to work at an elementary school and I just adore cute kids like this and my heart began to melt. I chatted with Remington until I had to begin the safety demo. She questioned where I was going and I told her I was going to teach her some things about the plane so she better pay close attention.

Safety demo: "Your seatbelt must be securely fasted at this time. To fasten insert the metal tip into the buckle..."

Remington: "Why are you showing me that?! I already know how to buckle up!!"

She said it loud enough for the whole back end of the plane to hear. Everyone had to laugh. That's a great question Remington... why am I showing you this!? If a 5 year old can figure it out anyone should be able to. 

Safety demo: "If there is a sudden change in cabin pressure an oxygen mask will be revealed...

Remington: "That looks fun! Can I play with it?"

Yes. Of course you can. She sat there for the remainder of the safety demo with the fake oxygen mask fastened securely on her head. 

Safety demo: "Now please take a second to review the safety information card found in your seat pocket"

Sure enough. She did. And she read the ENTIRE thing. Cover to cover examining every picture and asking questions about each one. Grandma, why would we go in the water? Does this plane float? Why would we have to use the slides? Where are the slides? Can I play on the slides? The questions started at pushback and she did not put down the information card and stop asking questions until we began the drink service. Seems annoying, but it wasn't. Each question was legitimate and every question was adorable. I hated to part ways with my new friend Remington. She definitely earned her wings.

My favorite thing about my job besides getting to travel the world and see all these really great places is passing out the wings to the kids. It never gets old and I've never had a child refuse a pair. Just for a brief second I am able to relieve the stress in parents when they see the face of their child light up as I pin on their wings. For just a brief second I am the coolest person in the entire world and they couldn't be happier. Seems cheesy and simple, but it never fails. The second a child starts fussing or pitching a fit, all I have to do is walk up and flash those silver wings in their face and suddenly they will do whatever it takes to get them. The perfect bribe for perfect behavior.